fans have had nothing to cheer about this season. Absolutely nothing. No , no wins, no offense, no defense, no special teams, no coaching, and no playoffs.
Those feelings of dread and nausea are about to go away, though, because the Colts are going to beat the when they come to town on Nov. 13. If I could get my voice as low as the spokesman for a certain men’s clothing store in the Indianapolis area, I’d mimic his “I guarantee it.”
Here are five reasons why.
No. 5: Quarterback
If you’ve read any of my other articles about the Colts, you’ll know that I do not like . He’s probably a perfectly nice guy—I wouldn’t know, since I’ve never met him—but he’s a really, really bad NFL quarterback. Really bad. (Did I mention that he’s really bad?) In two of his starts, he has failed to reach 100 yards passing, he’s been pulled for twice, and he hasn’t thrown a touchdown pass in three weeks. Oh, and the Colts have been demolished in the last three weeks, too. I could go on, but as a Colts fan, you understand. He’s really bad.
There is at least one quarterback in the NFL who is worse than Painter, though, and his name is . As luck would have it, he’s the starter for the Jaguars.
In the last two of Gabbert’s starts, he has been Painteresque in failing to reach 100 yards passing. His season passer rating (62.0) is actually worse than Painter’s (70.5). The Jaguars have two wins on the year, but Gabbert was only under center for one of them, and over the had everything to do with the Jaguars’ defense and nothing to do with Gabbert. The Jags kicked four field goals to win it, 12-7. Gabbert completed nine passes for 93 yards. He also ran 5 times for minus-1 yard.
Not even Painter is that bad.
That just leaves as the only guy the Colts have to worry about. Stack 11 guys on the line, and that problem is solved.
No. 4: Offense
Yep, the Colts have a better offense than the Jaguars. I know that sounds impossible, but hear me out.
Indianapolis averages this season, third-worst in the NFL. No worries, though! Jacksonville only averages 12.2 points per game, worst in the NFL.
The Colts are really awful at moving the ball, picking up only 282.8 yards per game this year, which is second-worst in the league. Guess who’s even worse, though! That’s right! Jacksonville! They only gain 242.6 yards per game, which, of course, is worst in the league.
No. 3: Defense
You’re not going to believe this, but the Colts actually lead the NFL in something that isn’t bad. The Colts defense has , which ties them with the and the for first place in the league! Jacksonville has only scored one. Losers.
No. 2: Offensive Line
The Jaguars have , while the Colts—for all their issues on the offensive line—have only allowed 16, and Jacksonville has played one less game than Indianapolis!
and : get ready to make a rookie’s life miserable on Sunday. ! WOO!
No. 1: Punters
That’s right, punters. You see, this is clearly going to be a hideous offensive display—er, I mean, a “defensive struggle”—that is going to heavily feature the two punters. For the Colts, we have who—while he likes to get drunk and swim in canals, and he looks like an idiot with his long hair and the way he wears his helmet and chinstrap—can punt the ball a long way. Heck, he should. He’s had a lot of practice, launching this year, which has resulted in a net average of 39 yards.
By contrast, has only punted 49 times for the Jaguars, so we’ve got them on experience, right off the bat. Plus, his net average is only 35.6 yards.
If the Colts play their cards right, they’ll gain about 3.4 yards per punt exchange. You figure the average drive starts on the 20-yard-line since they now kick off from midfield or something stupid like that, so all it’s going to take is six punt exchanges for the Colts to push the Jaguars back 20.4 yards. Eventually, someone holding the ball is going to fall down in the end zone, and BLAMMO! Safety. Game over.
You heard it here first. Final score: Indianapolis Colts 2, Jacksonville Jaguars 0. Colts move to 1-9.
I guarantee it.
The author is a resident of central Indiana and a long-time Colts fan. You can follow him on Twitter at or on .
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